Dealing with Clair by Martin Crimp

Author:Martin Crimp [Crimp, Martin]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781788501231
Publisher: Nick Hern Books
Published: 0101-01-01T00:00:00+00:00

2

Morning. The cards from the previous night remain on the floor where ANNA left them. CLAIR and JAMES enter.

JAMES (laughs). But I’d love to see it.

CLAIR (laughs). I don’t think you would.

JAMES. And what colour are the walls?

CLAIR. The walls?

JAMES. Yes.

CLAIR. I don’t know. Neutral.

JAMES. Neutral? (Laughs.)

CLAIR. Absolutely neutral. (Laughs.) They don’t take sides.

JAMES. Clair. A joke!

CLAIR. Yes.

JAMES. Well I’m amazed. I’m amazed and amused. And you?

CLAIR. And me what?

JAMES. Do you take sides?

CLAIR. I don’t understand.

JAMES. Or are you just neutral. Like the wall.

CLAIR. Oh, I’m like the wall. That’s my job.

JAMES. Impenetrable.

CLAIR. If you like.

JAMES. And there’s a shelf.

CLAIR. A what?

JAMES. On the wall. The bathroom wall. A little glass shelf and a tube of toothpaste that lasts for months and months and months.

CLAIR. Really?

JAMES. I’m sorry. I’m prying.

CLAIR. You’re good at that.

JAMES. Yes I am, aren’t I.

Both laugh. Then silence.

When I rang do you know they wanted to send somebody else. They were trying to fob me off with one of those dreadful boys.

CLAIR. Toby.

JAMES. You’re right. That was the name. He said, I’ll come and meet you with the key. I said will you please listen to me, I’m dealing exclusively with Clair in this matter.

Both laugh.

What’s he like?

CLAIR. Toby? (Shrugs.)

JAMES. Would we’ve hit it off?

CLAIR. No.

They laugh.

JAMES. Is he in front of you or behind you?

CLAIR. He’s to the side.

JAMES. The left.

CLAIR. Yes.

JAMES. You turn to your left and there’s Toby. He’s on the phone but he’s looking at you.

CLAIR. No, he’s working.

,

JAMES. Yes, of course he is.

CLAIR. I asked him to come.

JAMES. Did you?

CLAIR. I should be at lunch.

JAMES. We can have lunch after this.

CLAIR. Because now we’re having to work in the evenings…

JAMES. And this is work.

CLAIR. Yes. Yes, it’s a long day.

,

JAMES. Yes, of course it is.

CLAIR. Sometimes it’s a strain dealing with people.

JAMES. I can imagine.

CLAIR. Because we’re caught in the middle of it.

JAMES. Which is what you’re paid for.

CLAIR. Yes.

JAMES. Whatever per cent. And you enjoy it.

CLAIR. Yes.

JAMES. Because you like dealing with people. You like people.

CLAIR. Yes. Yes I do.

JAMES. So why is it you don’t seem happy, Clair?

CLAIR. I’m perfectly happy.

JAMES. But you don’t sound happy.

CLAIR (with anger). Well I’m sorry.

,

JAMES. Listen, I ought to get on. (Takes out a folding surveyor’s rule.) It will be rather unfortunate if these pieces of mine don’t fit.

JAMES measures. CLAIR, still angry, moves away and pokes at the cards with her shoe.

CLAIR. I’m sorry if I don’t ‘sound happy’. You’ll have to tell me what ‘happy’ sounds like.

JAMES measures, says nothing.

CLAIR laughs in spite of herself.

And it’s not a bathroom. It’s a shower room. If we don’t describe things accurately, there can be misunderstandings.

JAMES (without looking up). I’m sure.

CLAIR. And we try to avoid – obviously – avoid – misunderstandings. We try not to give people expectations that can’t be fulfilled. Or they feel cheated. Disappointed. And of course they blame us.

JAMES (as before). For what?

CLAIR (shrugs). For everything. (Smiles.) But yes, there is a little glass shelf. How did you know that?

JAMES (looks up at her).

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